The Case of the Missing Potions Assignment
by LunasaMactire85
Summary: What happens when Snape plots with someone least expected, and why does he do it? Slight moment of parody. Two shot. No SS/HG until 2nd chapter.
1. Harry's PoV

**A/N:**** I don't own anything you recognize from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings.**

Oh…shit. It had been here, Harry _knew_ it had been here just this morning. But the potions essay he was working on refused to be found, and Snape was already walking around collecting them. Harry decided to retrace his steps to see if he could remember where he put it. If he could remember _exactly _where it was Snape might decide to take pity on him for the first time in history, and allow him to go get it. Let's see…

Harry remembered shoving it into his bag last night between his potions and DADA books right before bed. His backpack had sat beside his bed all night, and he knew none of his dorm-mates would have messed with it. He had woken to Ron yelling about being late for breakfast - the only times Ron was ever worried about being late was at mealtimes - so he jumped out of bed, took a quick shower, dressed, and barely had time to grab his bag before Ron drug him down into the common room. Harry remembered pulling his essay out of his bag while he was eating to make sure it didn't need any corrections. Hermione had spent the rest of breakfast pointing out his mistakes.

Ron and Harry were in their final year, but Hermione had been allowed to take her Newts the year before and was now in her first year as apprentice to Snape. They hardly saw her anymore because she had her own apartments in the dungeon near Snape's rooms. Ron had gone nuts when he found out threatening to kill the potions master if he tried anything even slightly unsavory with her. The position as apprentice had allowed her to sit up at the professors' table, but she had decided to remain at Gryffindor table until her friends graduated. Harry had seen very little of Hermione because she was usually in the library or in the dungeons helping Snape.

Professor Binns' History of Magic class had been the perfect opportunity to make all of the necessary changes Hermione had pointed out at breakfast. That was the one class that no one paid attention in - except for Hermione when she took it. The ghostly teacher's lectures were just what the mediwitch ordered if you were ever suffering from insomnia - the man could put a boggart to sleep. Harry had again stuffed his report in between the two books and headed off to divination with Ron.

At lunch, Harry had let Hermione proofread it once more before he put it bag in his bag for the last time…noooo…wait a minute. He remembered handing it to Hermione, she had pointed out one or two mistakes that Harry had forgotten to correct. She had become angry when he had simply shrugged and said, _"Good enough." _

"_Good enough?! Good enough! Why'd you have me look through it again if you were just going to shrug off my help?!"_

He hadn't had a chance to answer her because it was time for potions. He had packed up his stuff, but…Hermione hadn't given him back his essay! He couldn't believe she would do this to him. They were supposed to hand in the essay portion today, and then start on the potion that it was about. The assignment was worth four test grades, and even though the class had been given a total of three weeks to complete it Harry had only been working on it since the previous morning. Harry looked up at the front of the classroom for Hermione but she wasn't there. Neither was Snape. And why was everyone staring at him? Sure, he hadn't handed in his paper, but neither had a few of the Slytherins.

WHAM!

Harry's forehead slammed into his desk from the force of the blow as someone smacked him in the back of his head.

"Mr. Potter," Oh, shit. "I do not appreciate being forced to call upon you for your assignment once. Let alone three times. Now hand it over."

There was a peculiar glint in the potions master's eyes that Harry couldn't identify, so when he finally got enough courage to answer he stumbled over his words.

"I g…gave it to Hermione at lunch. She…she forgot to give it back."

"I am sure that excuse has worked for you before, Mr. Potter. However, I am not overcome with _hero worship_." he sneered. " Now. Hand. It. IN."

"Hermione has it."

"Do not try my patience, Mr. Potter."

"I'm telling you, sir! Hermione has it!"

"Very well. Let's ask her, hmmm? Miss Granger!"

"Yes, professor?" Hermione said, entering the classroom through Snape's office door.

"Hermione!" Harry sighed in relief. "Tell Professor Snape you have my essay. You forgot to give it back to me at lunch."

Something dangerous and almost Snape-like flickered in Hermione's eyes before she turned to Snape.

"I have no idea what he's talking about professor."

"Very well, Miss Granger, you may return to your duties."

With a small nod Hermione retreated back into Snape's office, leaving a very shocked Harry Potter gaping after her. Snape turned to Harry and arched one of his eyebrows.

"Well what do you have to say for yourself now, Mr. Potter?"

"She's lying! I don't know why, but she's lying!"

"Enough! I am going to assume you put off the assignment until it was too late, and then decided to let Miss Granger shoulder the blame for you ineptness. Without that essay you have no choice but to repeat the course next year."

"But that's crazy! She was lying!"

"So we should give you special treatment above all the other students in this class?"

"No sir, but…"

"NO. Mr. Potter."

"But sir…"

"NO!"

"Sir…!"

Snape slammed his fists down on the desk.

"YOU. SHALL. NOT. **PASS**!"

**A/N:**** Hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will explain Hermione's weird behavior. Kudos to anyone who recognizes where I borrowed from Lord of the Rings. I know this is just another weird little random fic, but what can I say - I've grown addicted to writing them.**

** As always, my muse feeds off of reviews. Feel freed to feed her. All reviews are helpful.**

**If anyone has an idea they would like me to use for a new story just let me know.  
**


	2. Hermione's PoV

**A/N:** Anything by J.K. isn't mine - obviously.

Everything in italics is Hermione remembering. Enjoy.

**Chapter 2**

Hermione fought to restrain a grin as she walked back into Severus' office. If someone had told her a year ago that she would be Severus Snape's accomplice in a plot to get revenge on her two best friends she would have laughed in their face. It had taken being almost completely isolated from them for her to realize how much Harry and Ron had changed. Or maybe _she_ was the one who had changed. She no longer found their childish antics funny, and she refused to put up with their inconsiderate remarks towards her. Hermione had been at the brink of lashing out at them for their cruel words when she overheard them talking about her the previous morning.

"_Can you believe she's working for Snape?"_

"_You know she's always been a bloody know-it-all." _

"_But why Snape?"_

"_Probably has a thing for the greasy ol' git. You know Harry," Ron said thoughtfully. " I really do miss having classes with her."_

"_Me too, Ron."_

_Both boys laughed._

"_After all, who else do we have to cheat off of?"_

"_Ron, don't be that way…"_

"_Why not?"_

"_She also did our homework."_

"_Right, mate. Can't forget that. Bloody useful she was." _

_Both boys walked off down the hall laughing. Neither one of them noticed Hermione silently crying in a shadowed alcove close to where they had been standing. _

_Hermione tried to shrug off the hurtful words as she made her way to the dungeons, but she was still wiping her eyes as she stumbled, face first, into the warm chest of Severus. _

"_Hermione?" Severus asked in concern as she burrowed deeper into his body._

"_Harry…Ron…" _

"_Come with me, Hermione."_

_Severus wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and led her down the hall and into his chambers. He sat her down on his couch and listened silently as she repeated what she had overheard. As she finished she realized that Severus was practically shaking with rage._

"_Those two should be taught a lesson."_

"_I want to help." she whispered tearfully._

"_One of those dunderheads will more that likely come to you sometime before my class tomorrow about the essay they were assigned. Find a way to distract them, and then simply relieve them of their papers. I will do the rest."_

"_They'll fail. If I take away their essays they will have to repeat their seventh year - regardless of how well they do on their Newts."_

"_You only have to take the essay from one of them, not both. And think of it this way - if it wasn't for you they probably would have failed my class years ago."_

_After a moment of consideration she finally agreed._

Hermione snapped out of her musings as Severus practically skipped through the door. She laughed as he grabbed her by the hand and danced her around his desk. This was a side of Severus that few people ever saw, and she considered herself lucky to be counted among those few.

"I take it you enjoyed that." She struggled to say as he continued to twirl her around and around.

"Immensely. That expression on Potter's face almost made up for every single thing wonder-boy and his prat of a father have ever done to me."

"I must admit that I rather enjoyed it as well."

Severus opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. He stopped twirling her around, and quickly smoothed his robes as he went to open the door.

"Ah, Mr. Potter."

"I need to talk to Hermione."

At a small nod from her, Severus opened the door wider to allow Harry in.

"Yes, Harry?"

"Don't 'Yes, Harry?' me, Hermione. You know what I want."

"I'm sorry, but I really don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Don't **lie** to me Hermione!"

"I believe, Miss Granger, that Mr. Potter is referring to his little fable about you stealing his essay."

"Harry, do you really think I would do that?"

"You're working with Snape! Hell, the two of you are probably having some sort of pervy little tryst!"

Hermione felt her anger burst over the top like a volcano.

"Get out! Now! OUT!"

Harry turned tail and ran.

"I apologize, Hermione. Boy-wonder was only trying to get a rise out of you. No sane person would ever believe that someone as smart and beautiful as you would even consider a relationship with a snaky old bat such as myself."

Hermione did the only thing she could think of to set the record straight - she kissed him. As he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss Hermione envisioned the look of abject horror on Harry's face as she gleefully thanked him for getting her and Severus together. Then Severus moaned into her mouth as he backed her into the door and all thought was lost.

* * *

**A/N:**

Hope everyone enjoyed it. Remember my muse feeds off of input so please review.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed or favorited already.


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